Entertaining Platt: The Dark Knight Rises (2012)

July 21, 2012 § Leave a comment

Do you smell that, Alfred? I haven’t bathed in years.

It’s Prometheus all over again.

Beautiful movie, one exemplary performance, and a lot of plot that makes no sense.

Christopher Nolan paints an epic picture, and if you take care to stare at it from a distance, you may not notice that it’s really just a bunch of silly squiggly lines going all over the place.

Anne Hathaway surprised me with her portrayal of Catwoman, although I think the movie should have spent more time exploring her origins than Bane’s.

And since we’re on the topic of Bane, while I enjoyed Tom Hardy’s work in Inception, I just thought his portrayal of the supervillain terrorist in Dark Knight Rises was maddeningly awful. It was like someone had thrown Patrick Stewart, Michael Chiklis, and William Shatner into a blender and spewed out this monstrosity.

Now let’s talk about the plot, with so many silly convolutions that I think even M. Night Shamalayan was sitting in the audience, mockingly shouting, “WHAT A TWEEST!”

I’m not going to ruin any big reveals, but I am going to point out some problems:

* How in the world did a bald man in a fetish suit and a cheap Vader mask manage to convince Gotham City to free all the prisoners, round up the wealthy, and bow to him just by reading words off a piece of paper that he alleged came from Jim Gordon?

* When he had millions of people to terrorize and a whole terrorist chain of command to manage, where did Bane find the time to take a day trip to Somewheristan with Bruce Wayne?

* Who provides the satellite cable hookup in the pit in Somewheristan?

* If Bane really wanted to torture Bruce with television, why not make him watch the Kardashians and Jersey Shore? That would’ve been much more cruel.

* A bunch of cops are stuck in a hole for at least three weeks – and none of them later seems to be filthy, hungry, weakened, or unshaven?

* Pop quiz, hotshot: Your only goal is to blow up a nuclear bomb in the middle of Gotham City. The bomb is in the back of a moving truck. Just a few minutes left on the countdown timer. The explosion is INEVITABLE. Batman is trying to herd you toward a place where the explosion can be neutralized. You’re a criminal mastermind. What do you do? Certainly, you stop the truck, get out, shoot the tires, and walk away to get your last latte at Starbucks. Or, in Dark Knight Rises, you keep driving.

* After eight years in seclusion, hanging up cape and cowl, Bruce Wayne’s only requirement for getting back in shape to fight crime is a quick physical and a fancy leg brace?

* Batman sure seems to get over that stab wound between the ribs pretty quickly when there’s a bomb that needs hauling.

* Sometimes it’s snowing in the finale of Gotham City. Usually, this is where Batman and Bane are. But the snow goes away whenever John Blake is around. Mr. Antifreeze?

Sadly, this is another situation where I went into the movie wanting and expecting to love it, and there are undeniably some visually arresting moments, but it does little more than tie up loose ends from Batman Begins. It pales in comparison to The Dark Knight.


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